pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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