I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
