Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
