Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize