Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When are your genitals available?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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