I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
