Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
