So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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