Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize