I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
