Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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