i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
