oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Your penis caused this!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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