Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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