That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
