You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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