Soap is not a condiment
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
