Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
