dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
