The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
