I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
