im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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