Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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