i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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