Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
