genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
