He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
