I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
