Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
