I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
whose parrot is this?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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