Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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