the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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