There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
