You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
