So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
