okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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