Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
