I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
