Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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