DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
