I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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