Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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