He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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