Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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