Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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