I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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