Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
