I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
