who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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