I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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