He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
