i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
