I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
