Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
