Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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