I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
