Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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