You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
