If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
