i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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