i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize