you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
