It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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