I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
