I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
