I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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