If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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